Today’s Inner Monologue of Donald Trump

Good morning, day! I sure am excited to see what sort of fun I can get into today. Gray skies are gonna clear up! Put on a happy —

Oh. My. God.

Ted dropped out? Ha! Wow, I thought he’d take this to the convention. Alright, so it looks like it’s just me and —

SHUT. THE. HECK. UP.

John bailed? John?! He was the reasonable one! Or at least I was acting crazy enough that he seemed like the reasonable one. I can’t believe he’s out too!

I gotta be honest, I didn’t think this would be so easy. I mean I went up with some pretty crazy ideas. I think I said something about a wall or Muslim proofing America? Where did I come up with that? I guess those UCB Improv classes were worth the money.

I have a lot of money. I guess people like that. I mean, they chose me to be the Republican Nominee.

HOLY. SHIT. ON. A. SHED.

I’m the Republican Nominee?!?!?!?! This was not the plan! I was just doing a bit! It was just a bit! You all knew it was a bit, right? Now what do I do?

Maybe I should drop out of the race too? No. Dammit, Donald, you’ve already gotten this far. If the racist, sexist, uneducated segments of America believe in you then maybe it’s time you start believing in yourself. You can do this. You can be the greatest president in American history!

Haha, I had a reality show.