The Craziest Thing About Comedians Arguing About Rape

On August 13th, the comedy community erupted into a fury after The Upright Citizens Brigade Theater banned a comedian from their venues after multiple women claimed that he had sexually assaulted them. UCB took the matter seriously and banned the comedian for the sake of keeping their performers safe.

Seems like all would be well and good, right? Everyone should be congratulating UCB for doing the right thing, right? Oh, how wrong you are! Since Saturday, every single member of the comedy community has voiced their opinion on the matter. Some have come out to support victims of sexual assault, while others have decided that now is the time to take down PC Culture and criticize these women for not going to the police.

But do you want to know the craziest thing about this whole argument? No, it’s not that some people honestly think a woman would lie about being raped just to sabotage a man’s career. It’s not that some comedians value a good joke more than the safety of another human being.

The craziest thing about comedians arguing about rape is that it syncs up perfectly to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon.

Get ready to have your mind blown!

Here’s how you can experience this amazing phenomenon!

First, make sure you start the album at exactly the right moment. Right when you hear the third awful comment of the day from Kurt Metzger, press play.

The following syncs are just too perfect to be a coincidence.

1. Speak To Me/Breathe

• The line “I’ve always been mad, I know I’ve been mad” will be heard at the exact moment a famous male comedian goes on an anti-women rant for absolutely no reason. It’s like, you’re famous, dude! Quit being an ass!
• The lyrics “Breathe, breathe in the air” will play at exactly the moment when you need to calm yourself down to avoid murdering some idiot on your Facebook newsfeed.

2. On The Run

• Manic laughter is heard right when a comedian makes a tasteless joke that makes you wonder if something is wrong with them mentally.
• A helicopter crash is heard at the exact moment that someone’s comedy career is ruined. Good riddance, jerk!

3. Time

• Alarms go off at the exact moment another male comedian is outed for being a sexual predator.
• The guitar solo starts at just the right moment to drown out some idiotic diatribe from a Men’s Rights Activist.

4. The Great Gig In The Sky

• The words “And I am not frightened of dying, any time will do, I don’t mind.” are spoken immediately after some open mic comedian realizes he should have put his foot in his mouth before saying what he just said.
• Clare Torry’s incredible vocal solo lasts approximately 3 minutes and 20 seconds, which is probably the most time any of these clowns have ever spent actually listening to a woman.

5. Money

• The cash register sound effect is heard right when someone suggests that women have something to gain from lying about being raped.
• David Gilmour sings the words “Bull shit” right when you’re about to call bull shit on someone’s argument that we should wait for a court of law to determine if a man committed sexual assault before jumping to conclusions.

6. Us and Them

• The lyrics “Us and them, and after all we’re only ordinary men” are heard right when a group of dudes decide that this is a war with sides to be taken.
• The lyrics “And which is which…” is heard when someone compares the outing and subsequent character assassination of a sexual predator to the Salem Witch Trials. You know, that thing where women were also treated unfairly. Yes, some men were killed during the Salem Witch Trials, but it was mostly women.

7. Any Colour You Like

• The synth opening starts right when a comedian decides to play Devil’s Advocate and tries to take the rapist’s side.
• The song ends at around the same time that the same comedian is ostracized from the community.

8. Brain Damage

• This song starts at exactly the same moment you suspect that the world has gone completely nuts.
• The lyrics “got to keep the loonies on the path” are heard right when you think you can talk some sense into these misogynist morons.

9. Eclipse

• The heartbeat sound effect ends the album at the exact moment that you realize that comedians you used to respect have no heart and deserve to be unhappy.
• The album ends just in time for you to go out into the world and try to be a better person than you were yesterday, so that one day our daughters won’t have to put up with this kind of nonsense.

Kevin Froleiks is a New York based comedian. Follow him on twitter or check out his website to find out where he’s performing next. His comedy album, Jokes I Don’t Really Do Anymore, is available for free on his website as well. You can also check out his podcast, We Wrote A Musical, on iTunes.