REVIEW: I Saw “Logan” and this is Why Vaccinations are Slowly Killing Us

This past weekend I went and saw the latest, and final, film in the Wolverine franchise.

That’s right, all good things must come to an end. Hugh Jackman, who has been playing this role since I was in middle school, finally met his match in Logan.

But what brought about the demise of the immortal man-beast, Wolverine? Was it the rough and tumble lifestyle of drinking, smoking, and fighting? Was it the strength of an enemy like Magneto or Sabretooth?

The answer to both questions is no.

The plain and simple truth is that vaccines killed the Wolverine.

Don’t believe me? Think again!

In the original X-Men films, Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine is strong, with the ability to heal almost instantly. As a result, he cannot die. His body constantly regenerates sick or dying tissue and his actual age is incalculable because of this. This mutant power makes him the perfect candidate for a series of medical experiments that made him even more powerful, by covering his insides with adamantium, the strongest metal in the world.

However, in Logan we see a Wolverine who has aged horribly. His hair is grayed, he walks with a limp, and even his claws don’t pop out like they used to. He’s a shell of his former self, dying in front of our very eyes.

Wolverine was supposed to live forever. The adamantium was supposed to make him indestructible.

You know what was supposed to make us indestructible? The polio vaccine, but last time I checked, people are still dying every day. Are they dying of polio? No, not exactly. But they’re dying just the same. Thanks for nothing, polio vaccine.

My point is, Wolverine was given a medicine that was supposed to make him stronger, but in the end it actually poisoned him to death. The adamantium which once made him strong, brought about his end. Who’s to say that the measles vaccine isn’t doing the same?

Let’s get this out in the open: THE GOVERNMENT DOESN’T WANT US TO LIVE FOREVER!

And more importantly: NEITHER SHOULD YOU!

Yeah, that’s right. Living forever is bad. If we live forever, social security will become a thing of the past. People will work forever, never retiring, never needing to. Next thing you know, the economy collapses and we have a planet full of immortal vagabonds roaming around.

You know who else was a roaming vagabond? Wolverine.

And he’s even worse than a normal, roaming vagabond. He’s a Canadian, roaming vagabond. Do you need any more proof that immortality is completely un-American?

As a patriot, I support our government. As a supporter of our government, I don’t support immortal Wolverines. I will support any opposition to the immortal Wolverine agenda, including issuing vaccinations that kill us from the inside out. It’s the only way to keep America from becoming a Biblical Eden-esque hellscape of hobos and mutants.

Let’s all agree to keep getting vaccinations, to enjoy our brief time on Earth, stronger and healthier for a little bit, and then die off in pain when the medicine turns into poison. It’s the American way. After all, it’s good for the economy.

Anyways, Logan was very good. Five stars.

Go get your flu shot and I’ll see you at the movies!

Kevin Froleiks is a New York based comedian. Follow him on twitter or check out his website to find out where he’s performing next. His comedy album, Jokes I Don’t Really Do Anymore, is available for free on his website as well. You can also check out his podcast, We Wrote A Musical, on iTunes.