If You Own One Of These Things Then I Already Know Everything About You
We all know that it’s wrong to stereotype your fellow man. Broad generalizations do nothing but divide us. That being said, there are some people that should be stereotyped, and deserve to be, because they are awful.
If you own one of the things on this list, then I already know everything I need to know about you.
- A fedora
You have very little personality and most of your identity can be summed up in this one article of clothing.
2) A Bluetooth headset
You‘re a workaholic who thinks your job is so important that everyone in this airport bar needs to hear about it. You fill the emotional void in your life with cocaine and suits.
3) A ferret
You are a disgusting person with a serious impulse control problem. Your friends say they love you but only because they’re scared of you and the demons you likely have within.
4) A treasure map
You’re the kind of person who walks around with a peg leg and an eye patch just for the attention. Your only friend is a talking parrot.
5) A house arrest ankle monitor
You’re a real homebody. You’re the kind of person who never travels further than their own driveway.
6) A suitcase full of disguises
You have a huge ego that makes you think anyone even remembers what your real face looks like. Get over yourself.
7) A robot wife that is programmed for love
You probably read a lot of books and live in a creepy castle or some sort of laboratory out in the woods. You have a hard time connecting with people you haven’t built.
8) A twin that you keep locked in a dungeon
You have very low self esteem and are convinced that if anyone ever met your twin they would like them more. You know what? They probably would.
9) The bones of William the Conqueror
You’re constantly travelling through time looking for relics to add to your collection. You want what you want and you can never have enough.
10) A “Trump For President” bumper sticker
Fuck you.
Kevin Froleiks is a New York based comedian. Follow him on twitter or check out his website to find out where he’s performing next. His comedy album, Jokes I Don’t Really Do Anymore, is available for free on his website as well. You can also check out his podcast, We Wrote A Musical, on iTunes.
