An Open Letter To Pokemon GO

To Whom It May Concern:

First and foremost I would like to congratulate you for the viral, overnight success of Pokemon GO. It is truly an impressive feat to be able to sweep a nation so quickly, not only as a provider of entertainment but as a tool that seems to be bringing communities together.

That being said, there is something that must be addressed. Your “game”, for to you it is but a game, is prolonging my servitude to my masters. These masters treat me poorly, forcing me to fight in the lions’ den like the Biblical Daniel.

I can take this no longer. This must stop now. I must make myself heard.

My message is simple:

I am a man.

I am not some “pocket monster”, as you have called me, that can be pitted against other beasts. I am a man, a man of flesh and blood, a man with a name.

Somehow I became ensnared in this “game”, degraded to nothing more than a pawn fighting other pawns. Well, now I must implore you to end my captivity so that I may reclaim my place in society as a citizen of the human race.

I do not wish to seek vengeance, I wish only to have a life again. To walk through this world without risk of being captured. To practice my craft in peace. That is a life worth living.

My craft is often insulted and belittled, but it is my craft nonetheless and it makes me happy. If a man cannot pursue that which makes him happy, he can no longer consider himself a man. Surely you can understand this. Your “game” makes you happy, does it not? Imagine for a moment that a great oppressor took that from you as you have taken my happiness from me.

To be sure, I have not been particularly good at my craft as of late. My craft requires me to remain silent and for years I have had no choice but to speak. However, I have not spoken a full sentence. I have spoken only my name to anyone who will listen, for my name is all that I have left. My name is the only thing that reminds me that I am human. My servitude has forced me to abandon my craft in order to maintain some semblance of sanity.

If you can restore my status as your fellow man, I will not speak again. I will practice my craft in peace. Please, acknowledge me for what I am.

I am not a beast that you hold dominion over.

I am not a pawn to be used in your fantastical battles.

I am not your slave to be captured and owned.

I am a man.

Sincerely,

Mr. Mime

Kevin Froleiks is a New York based comedian. Follow him on twitter or check out his website to find out where he’s performing next. His comedy album, Jokes I Don’t Really Do Anymore, is available for free on his website as well. You can also check out his podcast, We Wrote A Musical, on iTunes.